


The Bachelor Party

by Jo (jmathieson)



Series: Tangents and Intersections ~ Kink Bingo 2013 [85]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bachelor Party, Community: kink_bingo, Definitely not AoS, Dildos, Established Relationship, Gift Giving, Handcuffs, Jossed, M/M, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 16:43:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jmathieson/pseuds/Jo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony throws Clint and Phil a bachelor party.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bachelor Party

**Author's Note:**

> Kink Bingo Round Six (2013) ~ Sex toys

"Tony, we very clearly said no gifts." Phil was looking at the pile of wrapped packages on the coffee table in dismay.

"You very clearly said 'no wedding gifts.' These are bachelor party gifts. Not a single toaster or fondue set, I promise." Tony looked smug.

"Nat, you were supposed to keep him in line," Clint said, waving a bottle of beer in Tony's direction.

"I had to let him have some fun."

"I knew letting Tony throw us a bachelor party was a bad idea," Phil said, sitting down on a couch and taking a swig of his beer. "OK, let's get this over with."

"Agent, you wound me."

Clint bounced down onto the sofa next to Phil and picked up the biggest box first.

"Who's this from?"

"That's from me," said Pepper, "And before you open it, you need to understand that Tony absolutely insisted that all the gifts should be appropriate for a bachelor party." Pepper buried a grin in her glass of champagne.

"Yes, see that way I was adhering strictly to your 'no wedding gifts' rule. I made sure that everyone was clear on that. The presents had to be kinky. Or at very least erotic." Tony looked smug.

Clint opened the large box and pulled out a smaller one. He laughed and handed it to Phil.

"Thank you, Pepper, for what appears to be a year's supply of penis-shaped pasta." Clint grinned at her.

"You're welcome. Kinky and practical," Pepper said with a grin.

"Good, now that we've set the tone, who's next?" Tony was enjoying himself way more than he had any right to.

"It had better be me, in case he kicks me out of the wedding, he'll need time to find a new best man." Jasper pulled a box out of the pile and handed it to Phil.

Phil weighed it suspiciously in his hand before opening it to reveal a set of heavy steel rigid-bar handcuffs.

"They're supposed to be escape, proof. Here, Clint, here's your half." He tossed the keys, and Clint snatched them out of the air. 

"Thanks Jasper, we'll try to put them to good use," Phil managed to say without blushing.

"Yes, and thank you Jasper, for letting the rest of the team in on that aspect of our sex life, which, by the way Phil, why does he know about in the first place?"

"Hey, he's my best friend. I've known him for 30 years. I've been telling him about my sex life since I started having one. Don't tell me Nat doesn't know a few significant details..."

"Anything Nat knows she's figured out on her own, she never lets me tell her anything."

"I hate to break it to you boys, but everyone here with decent hearing knows way more about your sex life than they really want to," Nat said, tossing back another shot of vodka.

"Hey, I thought our suite was sound-proofed! Tony?"

"It is, I swear!"

"Yes, but your quarters on the Helicarrier aren't," said Nat.

"Neither is the supply closet next to the SHIELD shooting range," Steve said, going slightly pink around the ears again. "Just saying."

"Good, now that Captain Purity is officially scandalized, my turn." Tony proudly handed over a box each to Phil and Clint.

"OK, I'm just going to accept the fact that I'm going to be completely mortified for the rest of the evening," said Phil. "And I'm pretty sure I'll need another drink before I open this."

"I'll get it." Nat bounced up off the sofa and went to Tony's bar, bringing back a small Scotch for Phil and another beer for Clint. Clint flashed a 'Thank you' smile at her. Part of the job he'd given her to keep Tony in line had been to prevent him from trying to get Clint and Phil drunk at their bachelor party.

They glanced at each other and then opened the boxes. Nestled in tissue paper in each was a dildo. A very nice dildo, with sleek lines, a narrow neck, and the kind of long, thin curved base that would anchor it comfortably between the wearer's butt-cheeks. Clint's was black and purple, and Phil's was blue and silver.

"Thank you Tony, that's very thoughtful," deadpanned Phil.

"Hey, now, those aren't just any dildos - those are pieces of genuine one-of-a-kind Stark Tech, the result of years of painstaking, but admittedly very enjoyable, research. Here, let me show you. The on-off switch is here." Tony depressed a hidden switch in the base of the dong. "And they are voice activated, so all you need to do is say, for instance: 'Slow throb,' and..." 

The blue and silver dildo in Phil's hand started to pulse, waves undulating from base to tip in a mesmerizing rhythm. Phil had to jerk his thoughts away from speculating on what it would feel like buried deep inside him, and a glance up at Clint made it clear that his thoughts were going to similar places.

"It has all the traditional vibrate settings, plus this little piece of genius I came up with: 'wag,'" he said to the dildo and the tip started to move back and forth like the tip of a tail. "Get that in just the right spot and, whammo - you're seeing stars and coming like a - "

"Tony!" Pepper smacked him in the back of the head.

"Hey, I just wanted to show them what these babies can do."

"You can go over the schematics with them later. It's someone else's turn. Bruce?" Pepper turned to Bruce who was sitting in the corner of the sofa with a glass of fruit juice.

"Ah, mine's the green gift bag."

Phil shot him a smile as he put the dildo back in its box and picked up the bag. Inside was another bag, this one brown paper with a rolled top and a large yellow label in a foreign script. Phil unrolled the bag and peered inside.

"It's... ah... tea. It's a special herbal mixture that men in rural parts of Indonesia drink on the morning of their wedding. It's supposed to promote virility and... er... performance."

Phil grinned. "Thank you Bruce, we'll be sure to try it."

"Not that Agent here needs any help in that department, not with this one in his bed," Tony said, poking Clint in the ribs.

"Tony, have you been hacking JARVIS's privacy protocols again?" asked Pepper, scandalized.

"No, absolutely not. I'm just stating the obvious. I mean come on, I don't care how straight you are or aren't. If you've got a pulse you have, at one point or another, ogled Clint Barton's ass. Come on, I know it's not just me."

"Appreciation of the human form isn't the same as ogling, Tony," Steve said quietly from his side of the room. And it was Clint's turn for pink ears, at the thought that Captain America was admitting that he had, at some point 'appreciated' his ass.

"Appreciation, ogling, potato, potahto," said Tony.

"Right boys, cut it out. Here, mine next." Nat handed Clint and Phil each a light, slim square box.

Clint grinned at Nat in anticipation and got an enigmatic smile in return. Phil was already opening his.

"Very nice, Natasha, thank you," he said, holding up a pair of navy blue silk boxer shorts. "Let's see yours, Clint."

Clint opened his own box and pawed through the tissue paper, finally coming up with a scrap of fabric roughly the size of his palm. It was also silk. And purple. He held it up for all to see and then turned and stuck his tongue out at Nat, who grinned back at him.

"You just wait..."

"What, until it's my turn to get married? Yeah, like that's ever going to happen."

"Who's left? Steve." Pepper turned expectant eyes on Steve and he reached around the back of the sofa for a large, flat parcel.

"I... hope you like it," he said shyly, handing it to Phil.

Phil swallowed, not really prepared to find out what 'erotic' gift Captain America had got him and Clint. Clint put a hand on his knee and squeezed as he stripped off the paper.

It was a framed pencil sketch of two figures wrapped in an embrace.

"Is that us? That's us!" said Clint.

"You drew this?" Phil asked, despite the clear, neat signature at the bottom that read, 'Steve Rogers.' Steve blushed a little and nodded.

"Can we see?" Pepper asked, and Phil turned the drawing around so that the rest of them could see it. It showed Clint and Phil, in three-quarter profile, sitting naked on a bed with rumpled covers around their legs, which were positioned in such as way as to keep the image PG-13. Phil had his arms around Clint, and his head bent with his lips to the side of Clint's neck. Clint had his head thrown back and was arching into Phil's touch. The lines of Clint's neck and back were sinuous and sensuous, the details in the side of Phil's face, the muscles of Phil's arms, and the scars on Clint's back and legs were astonishing.

"Now who's been hacking the privacy filters?" asked Tony.

"I didn't! I just... I've seen them both working out at the gym often enough to be able to draw them. And, well, Clint often has a... um... hickey..." Steve touched the side of his own neck. 

Phil flushed a little but said, "Steve, it's beautiful. Thank you very much."

"You really like it? I wasn't sure if it was appropriate..."

"I love it. And it's entirely appropriate."

"Me too. It's awesome, Steve, thank you. We'll hang it in the bedroom, right, Phil?" Clint asked.

"Yes, absolutely."

Steve smiled at them and blushed further.

"I need another drink, who else needs another drink?" said Tony.

"Hit me!" said Jasper. 

"Me too!" said Nat.

"Hey, you two can't get plastered, you need to be all responsible and stuff tomorrow," Clint said, not at all serious.

The party wound down not too long after, with Jasper heading home and Pepper and Steve tidying up. Bruce begged off next, and Nat disappeared soon after. Tony sat down with a drink, explaining to Clint in excruciating detail how to program the dildo, until Pepper grabbed him by the collar and hauled him off.

"OK, bedtime I guess. Coming Phil?"

"Be there in a minute, I just want a word with Steve," he said. Clint figured he wanted to say something else about the drawing, and left him to it.

As soon as Clint was out of earshot, Phil said,

"Steve, can I ask you to do me a favour tomorrow?"

"Of course, Phil, anything."

"Clint doesn't know, it's kind of a surprise. We didn't know if any of my family was going to be able to come to the wedding, my parents are quite elderly." Steve nodded sympathetically, and Phil felt a pang of guilt at skirting the truth.

"But my youngest sister is arriving tomorrow at LaGuardia, and I was wondering if you'd be able to go pick her up at the airport, and bring her back here for the wedding?"

"Of course, Phil. I'd be honoured to!"

"Thank you Steve, it means a lot to me, and to Clint. If you could, ah... maybe show her around the city or the Tower or something until it's time for the ceremony, I won't really have the time..."

"No, of course not, not on your wedding day. You can count on me, Phil."

"Yes, I know I can. Thank you, Steve."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks always to my excellent editors t! and Shazrolane.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at: [Queen of Wands](http://jmathieson-fic.tumblr.com/)


End file.
